on the day we went to see the RE, for the first time ever, my period was late. a blood test came back positive, but only slightly. my numbers were low, and I began going to get my blood drawn every other day to monitor that my levels were rising appropriately. I never said I was pregnant. I literally never spoke the "p-word" outloud. my husband actually teased me as I asked him to take that photo, because if I wasn't pregnant...why would I be asking him to do this? because, in a perfect world, if this was really happening- I wanted documentation. but.. something didn't feel right. I didn't like how low my hCG numbers were initially, even though they were doubling like they were supposed to be. my walls were up, and I couldn't fully admit that maybe it had finally happened. I needed an ultrasound with a beating heart before I could even cry happy tears or tell another person.
the long story short- 6 days after this photo was taken, I ended up at the emergency room in agonizing pain. I was admitted at 9:30pm, and was in surgery at 2:30am.
an ectopic pregnancy.
I had bleeding in my abdomen, and they couldn't find the pregnancy, which ultimately ended up being in my right fallopian tube.
and that was that. it was all over. all I have now are the scars on my stomach.
as I'm writing this- it is February, 2017. "unexplained infertility" is our diagnosis, and after 4 unsucessful IUIs- our only option left is IVF.... and I'm doing my best to hold it together on this incredible emotional rollercoaster journey that we are on.
in person, I've been very open what my husband and I are going through. I have no shame in showing our waitress my surgery scars, when she candidly asks, "so, are you guys going to have kids?" because, here's the thing: infertility struggles are SO common, and yet NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT.
this journey can feel so isolating at times, and couples silently suffer.
not me. not us.
I'm here to break the taboo of not discussing the fact that sometimes couples go through hell and back to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. all we see is the beautiful belly bump, ooh and aww at tiny socks at the baby shower, and smell the top of the baby's head once they are born. yet, behind the scenes there was years of tears, pills, shots, doctor's visits, tests, procedures, and even more tears.
I'm going through it. and I'm looking forward to being on the other side. one day, the baby I've been dreaming of will be here. and, I know, they will have been worth the wait. I just know it.
check out my #worththewait series here.