Category Archives: IVF

silly.

earlier this week I had a conversation with someone who has been following our IVF journey. they told me how they had a member of their family go through this process with their spouse, but shortly after their baby was born, they ended up getting divorced.

I responded back saying how I totally understood how that could happen. everything about the infertility journey tests you and your partner. it’s so intense, that I feel like the end result can either be two extremes: it will either make a couple stronger and closer, or it will totally break you. there’s no in-between.

that night, after having that conversation- I looked over at this side of our fridge, and my heart swelled. my husband and I are in a really good place right now. and there’s no coincidence that I’m feeling this so fully because for the first time in months, I’m not hopped up on fertility drugs (and oh MAN does it feel good). we’re in this brief break from the madness. no shots, no hormones, no reports, no doctor’s visits. no bad news. we’re just simply living, relishing in the peace before the crazy starts up again in a few weeks.

these silly photo booth images of me and my husband over the years remind me of how much we’ve been through, how hard it’s been, but also how much closer we are from it all. the top left image is from 2012, and we’re making the exact same silly faces in the most recent image, taken last week at my husband’s work (with the palm leaves frame). for how much things have changed, so much has stayed the same. the silliness, the sarcasm, the laughter, even the complaining from my husband when I asked him to wait in line for these photo booth pictures (ha!), are the core of who we are. and that hasn’t changed even though there have been fights, and tears, and raging hormones, and an absurd amount of debt that has consumed our lives.

we’ve overcome so many hurdles, and there will be oh so many more in the future. and it will suck, and it will be hard, but right now I am reminded that we will always get through it and be able to take a silly photo at the end of it all.

potential.

this is it. these are our potential future children!!!

out of the 9 frozen blastocysts we sent off for genetic testing, my nurse called me earlier today to let us know that 4 came back as normal! what that really means is that these 4 are our viable potentials.. in a perfect world, once 1 is transferred back into me, there wouldn’t be any chromosomal abnormalities that would cause a miscarriage. this doesn’t mean a guaranteed pregnancy, there are SO many other factors…but this is just one step closer!

it’s hard to describe the love I feel in my heart, the excitement and tightness that fills my chest knowing that there are 4 possibilities of life, our babies, sitting in a lab just a few cities away. how surreal this all is right now!

I am so glad I decided to take a month off before jumping into prepping for a transfer. can I tell you how good it feels to feel normal? these last few months have been crazy….absolutely-hormonally-charged-total-mindf*ck-crazy. hormones are no joke, and what a difference my overall mental health and happiness is when not being on any sort of fertility related drugs. it’s been just over 2 weeks since the retrieval, and I feel so refreshed already. for how anxious I was to keep the momentum going, taking the time off to decompress from everything was truly the best choice I could have made. we’re one step closer. we are one tiny step closer. and really, it’s only a 1 month delay from potentially meeting our baby….and I know, I KNOW, that it will have been #worththewait!

 

it happened.

you guys. our glimmers grew. oh they grew!!!
we have 8 frozen blastocysts sitting in the lab right now…. 8!!! 5 are rated high quality (4aa, 4ba, 4aa, 4bb, 4ba) and 3 are rated fair quality (4ac, 4bc, 4bb).

there is 1 more that is compacted (still growing) so they’re pushing it one more day, so maaaaybe we will get a 9th one.

but we did it. it happened. it finally, finally, happened!!!

one of the first things I told my husband was, “it feels so good to feel happy, I haven’t felt this way in so long!”. this is a chapter, that at least for now, is closed. we’ve overcome this huge milestone. we have embabies sitting on ice waiting for us. we have SO many other milestones and hurdles to face, but this is a victory. this is a step forward towards the goal we have, it’s a step closer than we’ve ever, ever been. and my GOSH, it feels absolutely incredible!!!

so what happens next? I’ll give you one guess. more waiting! we’ll be sending biopsies of our frozen glimmers off for genetic testing. depending on if this 9th one makes it, that means we’ll have either 9 or 10 to send away (don’t forget about our 1 little golden embryo that was our fighter from our first cycle!) once we know how many are genetically normal, we’ll start prepping for the transfer process. this is uncharted territory, and all I really know is that it involves weeks of huge needles with shots into the butt of progesterone oil. I’ve never been so happy to know that that is what is coming next! ha.

from the bottom of me and my husband’s heart- thank you so much for the constant support and encouragement you’ve given us through this wild ride. we’re on to the next phase, which no doubt will have bridges to cross, but this support from family, friends, and those we’ve never even met has lifted us on the darkest moments. thank you, thank you, thank you.

breathe.

the moment your heart leaps when the phone rings and you see it’s your nurse calling you with the day 5 report on your embryos.

so. not bad news….but not the best news. our little glimmers are growing very slowly, and none of them are where they “typically” should be on day 5. we’ve got 2 early blastocysts, 2 morulas (the stage before blastocyst), 3 compacted (in between growing), 5 ten cells, and 1 two cells.

the reader’s digest of all this? our most hopefuls are the early blastocysts and morulas. the compacted embryos have a 50/50 chance of growing more, and the others are likely to arrest.

so.. we wait some more. we wait again until tomorrow morning to see how our little glimmers are doing. I have a tight feeling in my chest and can’t distinguish if it’s excitement or anxiety. my patience is being tested on so many levels, I can’t even begin to articulate. deep breath.

13.

I sobbed this morning. never in my life had I sobbed so hard from absolute happiness and utter relief.

yesterday, 20 eggs were retrieved from me, 15 were able to be fertilized…..and 13 are growing!! THIRTEEN!

what a complete difference from our first cycle. I didn’t know what to expect, and honestly I feared a repeated outcome. this news was the first feeling of a victory I’ve felt in over 2 years. what a feeling.

this journey is far from over, even though we can celebrate that we overcame this huge obstacle. these little glimmers of life need to grow strong and become blastocysts. saturday is the day we find that out. and man, I’m sure it is going to feel like forever until that day comes.

but you know what? it’ll be #worththewait.

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