Category Archives: IVF
this morning was an exciting morning! the first ultrasound appointment to see how I am responding to the medication!
for those not familiar with the infertility world, what you’re looking at is my follicles in my ovaries being measured. the goal is to have a good number of follicles to produce mature eggs to be able to collect and fertilize. you don’t want too many, because hyperstimulation can be painful and dangerous. and on the flipside, you ideally don’t want too few follicles because the chances significantly decrease of getting an embryo that makes it all the way through fertilization. dr. kolb aims to be able to collect 15 eggs.
today I had 6 follicles on my left ovary (measuring at 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, and 10mm) and 8 follicles on my right ovary (measuring at 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, and 11mm). the goal is to get as many as possible to 18-20 mm, which signifies a mature egg, and I’m on the right track to getting there!
and now begins the delicate dance of medications to keep everything growing, but not too fast. on sunday we’ll be introducing a third shot into the nightly injections, which is used to slow down the effects of the first two shots. I go back to see dr. kolb on monday, and then every day or every other day leading up the egg retrieval checking on the growth, monitoring my estrogen and progesterone levels, and adjusting the doses of all my drugs accordingly. it’s amazing and equally weird to view yourself as a human science experiment…but I’m in awe and grateful for where technology is for us to be able to do what we’re doing.
when I left my appointment this morning, I felt excited. and dare I say, optimistic. and honestly, I haven’t felt that way in a long, long time. and you know what? it feels good. I’m trying to hold onto this feeling for as long as I can.
I sent a text message to my therapist with my updated follicle count, and she responded back with, “maybe one of your babies is in there.”
taken last night…two different shots every night until Friday, when another one might be added to the mix. I am so grateful for my husband for being the mad scientist every night for mixing the drugs, getting everything ready, and giving me these injections. there’s no way I could do it myself. even for the hundreds of blood draws I’ve gotten over these past two years, I still always look away.
full disclosure: I felt compelled to drag this image into photoshop, and lessen the “bulge” of my tummy- because let’s be real, this isn’t a flattering moment by any means. but I didn’t. because even though I’ve gained about 10lbs in the past few months due the cocktail of hormones I was on for the IUIs, a complete lack of exercise in my daily routine, or acknowledgement of the degree of emotional eating I was giving into…..this is real life.
and hey, I’m just providing more cushion for our baby to snuggle and grow into, right? right.
in case you were wondering, this is what $2,500 worth of fertility drugs look like.
this is just for the first 10 or so days, and there’s the possibility to have to buy more midway, or for the whole cycle to be scrapped if my body doesn’t respond well.
because of our incredible friends and family, this $2,500 didn’t have to be put on a credit card. these drugs that hang in our kitchen aren’t debt. they’re a gift. it’s bittersweet to look at them, to know they’re there, but knowing they were given to us out of hope, love, and pure selflessness is truly incredible. all these needles feel far less scary knowing that they’re infused with so many cheering for us, supporting us.
we, and our future baby, are eternally grateful.
today is my birthday. I am 32 years old.
on this day, two years ago, my husband and I agreed that would be the official start date for “trying”.
and here we are, 2 years later. 730 days later. 24 months later.
how many times have I cried at the end of the month, some worse than others, when I would get my period after the mental mindf*ck that is the two week wait?
how many times did I want to buy new clothes and I thought to myself, “well, if I get pregnant this month- it won’t fit anymore, so I should just wait”?
how many times did we go out for sushi, cheers-ing in hope to it being the last time I can eat raw fish?
how many times did I google the estimated due date based upon potential date of conception, imagining the stages of pregnancy I’d be in depending on the season? what type of birthday parties we would throw depending on the weather that time of year?
where have these last 24 months gone?
I’m not going to lie. today I am sad. I am angry. I am jealous of every single pregnant belly I see.
this birthday is very, very bittersweet. I can’t help but think of how different today would be if my body wasn’t fighting against what it’s biologically supposed to do. we’d have an infant, a newborn, I’d at least be pregnant.
we and I are none of those things today.
but in less than two weeks, if all goes to plan, we’ll be starting the IVF process. and while I’d like to think that by this time next year, on my 33rd birthday, we’ll have a newborn, or I’ll at least be pregnant– what I’ve learned in these last 2 years, what I have trained myself not to do as time has gone on, is put expectations on the future. I’ve found myself thinking a lot more pessimistically lately. being crushed month after month can do that to a person, no? I’m working, with the support of my incredible therapist who has gone down this infertility journey herself, on at least having a realistic mindset on what the future holds. if I can get to the place of cautious optimism, fantastic. but at least I need to think realistically.
and realistically, statistics are on our favor. and realistically, this could also just be the beginning of our journey.
realistically, our baby will be here before we know it, and all these emotions I’m feeling today will be a fleeting and fuzzy memory.
and realistically, we could also have many more hurdles to cross, and many more tears to shed.
but I’m trying to stay focused on the present.
so I deeply breathe in, and I blow out my candles.