juniper sagan #worththewait / a los angeles infertility journey

“it’s hard to get your head around the fact you’ll never have a baby.  and then, it’s even harder to believe you are lucky enough, blessed enough to get pregnant.  the realization that we had a happy, healthy, beautiful daughter made us feel like we were in a waking dream.  it seemed to good, too much, too lovely.  we are filled with awe.

I am 39 years old. I’ve had PCOS since I was a teen but it wasn’t diagnosed until my husband and I had already been trying to conceive for two years. we went through about a year and a half of fertility medication that didn’t work before getting very frustrated and taking a break.  I then set out on several life changes: I left my job as a high school principal and started my own business where I would have time to exercise better, eat right etc. I got a tattoo of cherry blossoms. they are supposed to symbolize the fleeting beauty of life, and the acceptance of one’s path. I got the tattoo as a way of helping me embrace my life instead of fight against what I thought was missing from it.  it was also in reclamation of my body, which I have also struggled to love. it makes me feel beautiful and brave.

after about a six months break we tried medication again, still without results. finally in august, we decided to start IUI. on the day of the appointment we were kept in the waiting room for three hours. in fact my husband had to leave for work. I was 38 at the time. after three hours I was called into the doctor’s office, and they apologized to me for the wait. it turns out they been testing and retesting my urine sample. I had very low, but perceivable, hCG levels. they said I might be pregnant, scheduled the blood test, and refunded my money. for the next 10 weeks it was watch-and-see with an ultrasound every two weeks or so. first it was,  ‘yes, your blood test says says you’re pregnant, but we’re not sure. come back, it might be ectopic.’ then it was, ‘yes, you have a gestational sack. but there’s no fetus yet. so come back.’ next, ‘yes, there’s a fetus but no heartbeat. come back.’ then, finally – ‘we have a heartbeat.’

two weeks later I had a bleed – a heavy one.

the beautiful and amazing thing, was that my daughter was resilient. there she was, after the bleed, perfectly fine, wiggling, moving everywhere, with a strong heartbeat.  in fact, all my blood tests, and all her scans, were perfectly fine.

and here we are now. it seems unreal.

we are amazed at how juniper is already her own little person, with quirks and preferences and a voice to tell us so.  this time has also brought our family closer together.  so much love for one little life.  it’s beautiful.  it took us over four years, and pushed us right up against my biological clock’s timeline. we feel so blessed.”