a year ago today, we were coming home from the hospital. a year ago today, at 2:30 am I was wheeled into emergency surgery for bleeding in my uterus. a year ago today, I had to sign a waiver saying that because they couldn’t find the pregnancy, I had to sign off on the surgeons removing any part of my reproductive system that they deemed necessary depending on what they found.

a year ago yesterday, I was technically pregnant. and we didn’t tell a single soul.

and today I’m going into my reproductive endocrinologist’s office for the 5th time in nine days. today we’re moments away from our second IVF retrieval.

throughout the last 26 months, I’ve stopped foreshadowing the future. “If I get pregnant this month, then the baby would be born during this month”. I’ve stopped imagining what things would be like eventually. because, I don’t know when eventually will be. but today, it’s hard to not think that, if things didn’t end the way they did, we’d have a 2-3 month old right now. I let that idea briefly flicker in my brain, but only for a bit. it’s all I can take.