seraphina + kieran #worththewait / a los angeles infertility journey
“gina and I have known each other since high school, so we have a long history and come from the same place – I love that about us, that we have that familiarity. we also both knew we wanted to be mothers since we were young, and we both struggled to get there. we have wanted kids our whole lives. gina was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure around age 25, but thankfully my ovaries and uterus looked fine, and we were told it shouldn’t be a problem getting pregnant.
we first went to a fertility clinic when I was 30 for our initial meeting – I just gave birth at age 38. it’s been a LONG journey for us, and I think that makes us appreciate motherhood even more.
after 7 failed IUIs (none covered by insurance), we moved on to IVF and I became pregnant on my first cycle. at 12 weeks, I suffered an ovarian torsion, where one ovary was necrotic and filling my body with sepsis. I ended up having emergency surgery, which the baby didn’t survive. 2 hours after the surgery, I began to miscarry. I remember looking at at gina, who was there holding my hand, and I could see the tears in her eyes. a few minutes later, they showed us our 12-week-old fetus in a bedpan. I didn’t cry. I was so drugged up and so grateful to be out of pain. all I could say was, “I’m sorry.”
grief is a weird thing, and I don’t know if this grief is in a category all its own. I’m inclined to think had the baby been still born, it would’ve been harder. or if I’d lost the baby earlier in the pregnancy, it would’ve been easier. I don’t know. I just know that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that baby. I used to think everything happens for a reason, but I don’t believe that anymore. things just happen, and sometimes things are great, and sometimes they suck.
we adopted two girls through DCFS, both born drug exposed. they made us parents, but I never stopped grieving the end of my pregnancy. our oldest is my biological niece, who was born addicted to methadone. she came home from the hospital to us and lived with us for about 6 months. we were the ones to wean her off of methadone. NOT EASY. she went home to live with my sister when I went to the hospital for my emergency surgery and subsequent miscarriage. she came back to us at 2.5 years old, complete with behavior and attachment issues. it’s been a long four years, full of therapy with her, patience, (and booze for us). our other daughter tested positive for methamphetamine and alcohol at birth, was diagnosed as failure to thrive around 2 months old. she was born 6 weeks after the due date of the baby we lost. she came to us around 8 months old.
we did 2 more unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and then a 3rd where we froze the two embryos we had. that was in 2013. throughout that time, I hadn’t been able to get pregnant again, and it took a long time to finally be okay with that. I accepted that there was a good chance it just wasn’t going to happen for me, and it helped having two rambunctious children. they are delightful in so many ways, and I love them so much, and that love was finally enough to dull the pain of the loss of the baby we lost.
last year, we decided to try to get pregnant with those last 2 frozen embryos. we now have 3 month old boy/girl twins, who I carried for 37 weeks and 6 days, and who were born at 7.3lbs and 7.11lbs respectively.
seraphina may and kieran james.
I have four kids now, and I feel like my dreams have finally come true. our infertility journey has brought gina and I closer. when you go through something terrible with someone, you form a pretty strong bond. we both went through some terrible stuff. and now we look at each other like, how did we get this lucky?”